I call myself a runner (but I'm totally using that term loosely). Some runners make this look easy. Like, they wake up sculpted and head out and qualify for the Boston marathon. *I* am NOT this runner. I'm the runner that looks sweaty, angry, confused, as she waddles around aimlessly outside. Kinda like this:
I've taken two weeks off from running due to homework and a sinus infection. I decided to try and pull a 5K out of my ass today, and of course the universe (and my body) punished me for taking the time off.
5 minutes in: A bug flew into my mouth. I really should've just gone back home.
10 minutes in: I accidentally stepped on a dead raccoon. Or opossum. Or steroidal rat. I really should've just gone back home.
20 minutes in: Calf cramp. This resulted in me hopping around in a residential area swearing (sorry to the kids out playing basketball). I really should've just gone back home.
30 minutes in: Stomach cramps. I ended up throwing up in some ground cover. I was bent over, hot, and getting sick right when a loud Lil' Jon song came on my iPod. I couldn't really reach my volume button (or use my hands at all) and I'm standing there puking and Lil' Jon is yelling, "Shots, shots, shots!" really loud into my ear. So I did what anyone would do: I yelled, "Shut UP, Lil' Jon! Damn it!" as I was bent over. Of course a group of moms with strollers walked by at that moment. I looked pretty psycho, I'm sure, throwing up and yelling at a rapper that wasn't even there. Lovely. I decided to go home. But by this time it was closer to just keep going instead of turning around. Great.
40 minutes in: Someone passes me, running really fast (downhill, mind you). In my sweaty, sick daze I think I yelled something like, "Yeah, it's easy when you're going *that* way." I really am an angry runner. Good thing I was almost home.
45 minutes in: I'm home. Not a moment too soon.
The good news? I think if you throw up, those calories don't count. The bad news? 45 minutes to run 3.1 miles really doesn't make you speedracer. And now I need to clean my shoes. And brush my teeth.