Thursday, April 14, 2011

Diary of a Chubby Runner

I call myself a runner (but I'm totally using that term loosely). Some runners make this look easy. Like, they wake up sculpted and head out and qualify for the Boston marathon. *I* am NOT this runner. I'm the runner that looks sweaty, angry, confused, as she waddles around aimlessly outside. Kinda like this:

I've taken two weeks off from running due to homework and a sinus infection. I decided to try and pull a 5K out of my ass today, and of course the universe (and my body) punished me for taking the time off.

5 minutes in: A bug flew into my mouth. I really should've just gone back home.

10 minutes in: I accidentally stepped on a dead raccoon. Or opossum. Or steroidal rat. I really should've just gone back home.

20 minutes in: Calf cramp. This resulted in me hopping around in a residential area swearing (sorry to the kids out playing basketball). I really should've just gone back home.

30 minutes in: Stomach cramps. I ended up throwing up in some ground cover. I was bent over, hot, and getting sick right when a loud Lil' Jon song came on my iPod. I couldn't really reach my volume button (or use my hands at all) and I'm standing there puking and Lil' Jon is yelling, "Shots, shots, shots!" really loud into my ear. So I did what anyone would do: I yelled, "Shut UP, Lil' Jon! Damn it!" as I was bent over. Of course a group of moms with strollers walked by at that moment. I looked pretty psycho, I'm sure, throwing up and yelling at a rapper that wasn't even there. Lovely. I decided to go home. But by this time it was closer to just keep going instead of turning around. Great.

40 minutes in: Someone passes me, running really fast (downhill, mind you). In my sweaty, sick daze I think I yelled something like, "Yeah, it's easy when you're going *that* way." I really am an angry runner. Good thing I was almost home.

45 minutes in: I'm home. Not a moment too soon.

The good news? I think if you throw up, those calories don't count. The bad news? 45 minutes to run 3.1 miles really doesn't make you speedracer. And now I need to clean my shoes. And brush my teeth.


The Mama Monster said...

Awww hey that's awesome that you went running!!! Did you run around here? Did you run in to Chuck? Cause maybe he'd lend a jacket sleeve to help wipe the barf off of your mouth. =)

Is the steroidal rat that you are referring to on Hunter close to Winchester? I am pretty sure we have the slowest city workers in the world... I had a dead cat at the end of my street for like 3 weeks... It was like watching the process of decomposition on PBS in time lapse photography but in real time (if that makes sense at all)...

Kinyama said...

hahaha! Sounds familiar to my last run.