Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Snoop Dogg

Wyatt was going through his massive bag of Valentines making sure that he had eaten every last conversation heart and lollipop. Suddenly Wyatt came running into the room yelling about a card... Which was odd, considering he doesn't even care about the cards, but more so the taped on candy pieces.

Wyatt: "Mom! Someone gave me a Snoop Dogg card!"

Me: "WHAT?"

My mind began racing. Does Snoop Dogg make Valentine cards? What would they even say? I was picturing pot leaves, bikinis, maybe even a bong? Or maybe it says something like, "Drop it like it's hot on Valentine's Day!" Seriously, do they check the cards before the let the kids pass them out? My only hope was that it was at least 'radio edited' Snoop Dogg. I'm alright explaining what Compton or the LBC is, but I'm really not ready to explain pimpin'.

Wyatt: "See? Look! Snoop Dogg!"

Me: "Wyatt, that's SNOOPY. SNOOPY! Not Snoop Dogg."

Wyatt: "Oh. What's the difference?"

Me: "Well... I don't even know where to begin really. Just, it's Snoopy. Trust me."

How do you begin to explain the difference between "Murder Was The Case That They Gave Me" and "No Dogs Allowed"? I'm not sure. Crisis semi-averted... for now.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day

My wonderful husband helped the boys make me Valentine's cards. Erich made sure to type EXACTLY what they wanted to tell me on Valentine's day. The messages inside are really priceless:

Levi's: Dear Mom, I love you for getting me that candy. And the next Valentine's make sure you get that candy again for me. Love, Levi

Wyatt's: Happy Valentine's day. I hope you have a fun day, and I love you. And roses are red, violets are blue, candy is sweet, and I love you. Period.

Yes, Wyatt insisted his dad spell out the word 'period'. Also, Levi's love is contingent on candy. I think I have a couple future greeting card writers on my hand. I don't think Hallmark could've done it better... Period.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Don't Tread on Wyatt... Or Anywhere Near Levi

When I go to the gym I leave the boys in the supervised kids area. In all honesty, sometimes that's the only thing that gets me to the gym: knowing that I'm going to have a kid-free hour, even if it involves sweat. While the boys give me grief every day at home, they usually (sometimes. maybe.) are good at the gym. I think they enjoy the mom-free hour as much as I enjoy the kid-free hour, actually. It's a win-win. Unless you're one of the teenagers that have to watch the kids. Then... well... sorry.

Every time I pick them up I always halfheartedly ask about their behavior. Usually I get a, "Oh, they were fine." Or sometimes even an, "Awesome!" Probably because they got my kids confused with other people's kids. But I take it, and leave quickly. Today? Not so much.

I knew something was off when I walked into the chaos they call the kids club and heard Wyatt yelling the word "government." I shouldn't have even asked; but I did...

Me: "So.... how were they?"

Poor teenage girl watching a jamillion kids: "Oh. Well, Wyatt has been yelling about how he hates the government."

Me: ::blank stare:: (Seriously? What do you say to that?)

Teenage girl: "And he's been lecturing people on taxes. Pretty much, like, the whole, like time. And then he spelled the word government."

Wyatt: "The government is studis! We should fire them."

Me: "Well. Um. Government is a spelling word this week. Also, his dad did taxes this week. You know how tax season goes..."

Wyatt: "Yeah, we have to give money to the government! We should move to Bikini Bottom. I like their government better."

Me: (giving Wyatt the be-quiet-or-suffer mom look) "Well, he doesn't even know what the government is. Or taxes. Sorry about his soap box moment. Alright guys, let's go."

Teenage girl: "Right. And Levi like found like something on the ground and ate it. We aren't sure what it was... but he seems to be okay."

Levi: "It was a tookie! A floor tookie! Delicious!"

Me: "Right, well don't worry. He does that all the time."

I grabbed the boys and rushed out of there, with Wyatt still grumbling about the government and Levi trying to explain all the various things he eats off of the ground on any given day.

Me: "Get in the car! What is wrong with you! Seriously, Wyatt? The government? Do you even know what the government is??"

Wyatt: "Well, maybe I don't.  But I do know that Levi is peeing on that bush behind you."

Some nights the kids are good, others they lecture people about taxes and pee in planters. I blame tax season. And also my mom, for giving them massive amounts of sugar. I really just hope that there are different girls working there Wednesday night... And until then, I think it is definitely wine o'clock tonight.