Saturday, May 28, 2011

Children's Book. Probably.

Some days I really feel like I earned my glass of wine. Like today, for example. My kids were so awful (I'm totally just calling it like it is. No sugar-coating: AWFUL), that pretty much the only thing that got me through the day was knowing that at some point they would fall asleep and I would drink wine and try and forget any of it ever happened. At the very end of the day, when I was too tired to even yell any more, they tried to delay bed time by asking for a story. At that point, I decided I should just WRITE them a damn story. I'm totally going to be a children's author. I can feel it...

Mommy Drinks Because of You
By Jen Dieffenbacher

Mommy drinks, want to know why?
Mommy drinks because you cry.
Mommy drinks because you fight,
And because you won't f*&#&$g sleep at night.
Because the bathroom always smells like piss,
And I know you're lying when you say you missed.
Because you're loud, obnoxious, and rude,
And you run outside in the nude.
Because you embarass me in front of family and friends,
And the whining never, ever ends.
Because you just won't eat what I make,
And instead cry for ice cream or cake.
Because your hands are always in your pants,
And you beg me to just give boogers a chance.
Because of the looks I get in stores,
And the mud on my newly cleaned floors,
Mommy keeps wine always in stock,
And waits daily for wine o' clock.

It's a start. It probably needs illustrations. But I've probably had too much wine to worry about it too much.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


We're moving right during my finals week AND the last week of baseball, which basically means there has been NO in between the coffee and the wine as of late. So, hang in there. Someday I'll be a regular blogger. But this morning? Was too funny to pass up.

I was packing (read: drinking coffee and reading TMZ) and Wyatt came running into the room like he was on fire.

Wyatt: "Mom! Come here now! Hurry!"

Me: "What? Is it a spider? Get Levi, I can NOT handle a spider right now."

Wyatt: "No, grab your credit card and hurry!"

At this point, knowing Wyatt, I'm pretty sure he's watching an infomercial again. He does this A LOT. He totally had a man-crush on Billy Mays, watching him talk about mighty putty, the samurai shark, and oxy clean for a really long time as a child. Some kids watched shows, Wyatt loves infomercials. Anyways...

Me: "Wyatt, I told you, I am not buying that giant cupcake mold or that brownie thing."

Wyatt: "MOM THIS IS SERIOUS! Someone is trying to steal our identities *right now*. We need LifeLock! Hurry! Identity theft is real, and it is happening every day! We can try LifeLock risk free, and after that it is really cheap."

Me: "Please go watch Nickelodeon like a normal child. Not the weather channel, not the news, and not infomercials. Nickelodeon."

Wyatt: "Mom, this is serious! We need to buy LifeLock now!"

Me: "I am not buying LifeLock. Go away."

Wyatt: "Fine, I'll go watch Power Rangers while someone this very moment is stealing my identity. I hope you're happy."

Me: "Do you even know what your identity is??"

Wyatt: "No, but it doesn't matter now. I'll probably never know it because it has already been STOLEN. THANKS, MOM."

Someday Wyatt is going to grow up, and when I go to visit him I'll have to dodge those topsy turvy tomato things, step over perfect brownie molds, move wonder hangers to sit down, and try to visit with my son as he tells me about the newest thing 'as seen on TV'.