Saturday, May 28, 2011

Children's Book. Probably.

Some days I really feel like I earned my glass of wine. Like today, for example. My kids were so awful (I'm totally just calling it like it is. No sugar-coating: AWFUL), that pretty much the only thing that got me through the day was knowing that at some point they would fall asleep and I would drink wine and try and forget any of it ever happened. At the very end of the day, when I was too tired to even yell any more, they tried to delay bed time by asking for a story. At that point, I decided I should just WRITE them a damn story. I'm totally going to be a children's author. I can feel it...

Mommy Drinks Because of You
By Jen Dieffenbacher

Mommy drinks, want to know why?
Mommy drinks because you cry.
Mommy drinks because you fight,
And because you won't f*&#&$g sleep at night.
Because the bathroom always smells like piss,
And I know you're lying when you say you missed.
Because you're loud, obnoxious, and rude,
And you run outside in the nude.
Because you embarass me in front of family and friends,
And the whining never, ever ends.
Because you just won't eat what I make,
And instead cry for ice cream or cake.
Because your hands are always in your pants,
And you beg me to just give boogers a chance.
Because of the looks I get in stores,
And the mud on my newly cleaned floors,
Mommy keeps wine always in stock,
And waits daily for wine o' clock.

It's a start. It probably needs illustrations. But I've probably had too much wine to worry about it too much.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I think that you should give this to all new moms of one warned me about the fascination that they have for their penis, butt, farts, snot, or burps....and I only have a three year old....*sigh*