Monday, November 29, 2010


Today the husband and I cleaned out the playroom in anticipation of Christmas. It was a full day affair that ended with us (me) dumping 6 trash bags full of McDonald's toys into a dumpster at a local apartment complex. Husband was terrified, as he was sure it was illegal to put garbage in dumpsters that don't belong to us. But seriously, I could've thrown it all out onto the side of the freeway and sped away. I think throwing trash in a trash receptacle us totally on the up and up.

Anyways, I digress. The cleaning required many important decisions on keeping, selling, or trashing (in an illegal dumpster) toys. At one point we came across a bunch of KidSongs CDs that were pretty scuffed up and missing cases. I felt a little guilty about trashing them; who knows when I would need to listen to "Pop Goes the Weasel" on a whim? But then husband brought up a good point.

Husband: "But our kids don't even listen to this music. Our kids listen to Ke$ha."

Me: "Yeah, I guess you're right."

Husband: "Does that make us bad parents?"

Me: "I'm pretty sure it does, actually."

In the end we (husband) sped away from a dumpster that doesn't belong to us (thank you, local apartment complex that shall remain unnamed because Husband is still pretty sure we committed a felony) and left the KidSongs CDs behind. So not only are we felons, we might also be bad parents. Bad people/citizens/parents with a pretty clean playroom/office, however...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Losing one's head in Costco

Sometimes I often wonder what is actually going on in the heads of my children; then they'll usually say or do something that reminds me that I really don't want to know. Today in Costco (in the milk aisle) was one of those moments.

Levi: "Wyatt, what happens if I lose my head?"

Wyatt: "Well, you'll probably die. Jesus only gives you one head."

Levi: "So, it won't grow back?"

Wyatt: "No, only sea stars can grow new heads. So you better not lose yours.

Levi: "Awe, man. I wish I could grow a head like a sea star."

Wyatt: "Sea stars are awesome. They can lose their heads or arms whenever they want."

Me: "Seriously guys? This is what you are talking about in Costco? The possibility that you might lose your head? How could that ever even happen?"

(At this point passersby start to stare)

Wyatt: "Oh, it could happen, Mom."

Levi: "Yeah! I'm not losing my head, though."

Me: "How much thought have you given to the possibility that you might somehow lose your head?!?"

Wyatt: "A lot, mom. A lot."

So while I am fighting crowds in Costco to buy eggs, milk, and bread in bulk my kids are worrying about what would happen if they were to ever somehow misplace their heads. People are walking by fighting over bulk mayonnaise (gross) and samples, and Wyatt and Levi are discussing dismemberment and regeneration. Because what is everyone in Costco secretly worried about? Misplacing their heads. At least according to my kids.

Is that...?

Apparently one (or both) of my kids have hidden poop (or something with poop on it) somewhere in my house. I don't know where, but I'm confident this is true because of this interaction:

Me (starting at stain on the carpet, most likely from the dog): "Is that POOP?"

Wyatt (running in from another room): "It was Levi!"

Levi (following Wyatt): "Wyatt made me do it!"

Me: "Wait a minute. One of you rubbed your bottom on the carpet? Because I was pretty sure this was Lola's fault."

Wyatt (looking at the stain): "Oh. Yeah, that's Lola."

Me: "What were you guys talking about?"

(Both boys stare at me as though I am speaking Swahili)

Me: "What did Wyatt make you do, Levi? What were you guys talking about when I started screaming about poop?"

Wyatt: "Huh?"

Levi: "There's poop on the tarpet!"

Me: "No, I'm fairly certain that you guys are involved in a poop cover up. There's poop somewhere else in the house, isn't there?"

Wyatt: "Nope."

Levi: "There's poop on the tarpet!"

I could have pressed further, but to be honest cleaning up one poop mess for today seems like enough. They may have think I've let it go, but I'm well aware that there is a poop conspiracy afoot. Stay tuned...

Does Target Have a Helipad?

Me: "So, I've finally decided to start a blog."

Husband: "Oh. Okay."

Me: "That's IT?"

Husband: "Well, you really aren't as funny as you think you are."

Me: "That's it. When I make a million dollars from being funny you are SO not riding in my private helicopter that I will use to go places like Super Target and Trader Joe's to avoid traffic."

Husband: "Fine. I won't ride in your helicopter that you don't have and that you don't know how to fly."

Me: "Can you land a helicopter on the roof of Super Target? I think you should be able to."

Husband: "I don't know; I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."

He's totally bluffing. He really would want to ride in the helicopter, because he hates traffic even more than I do. But more importantly, I'm not sure where to land the helicopter (that I don't have or can't fly) when I do actually get to Super Target if you can't land on the roof. Can you just land a helicopter in a parking lot? I decided to spend an hour on the internet researching this, and mostly I just found a bunch of video game advice. Surprisingly, there aren't a lot of articles on how to get your helicopter to Super Target. I think this is really an untapped market (are you listening, Target?). I mean, having a helipad on your roof increases your sales by like 800% (probably). I think I might email and suggest this to Super Target (and maybe the mall). I'll keep you posted.

Until then, enjoy my blog and tell all your friends to come and enjoy it so that I can get a private helicopter to not let my husband ride in.