Snoop Dogg

Wyatt was going through his massive bag of Valentines making sure that he had eaten every last conversation heart and lollipop. Suddenly Wyatt came running into the room yelling about a card... Which was odd, considering he doesn't even care about the cards, but more so the taped on candy pieces.

Wyatt: "Mom! Someone gave me a Snoop Dogg card!"

Me: "WHAT?"

My mind began racing. Does Snoop Dogg make Valentine cards? What would they even say? I was picturing pot leaves, bikinis, maybe even a bong? Or maybe it says something like, "Drop it like it's hot on Valentine's Day!" Seriously, do they check the cards before the let the kids pass them out? My only hope was that it was at least 'radio edited' Snoop Dogg. I'm alright explaining what Compton or the LBC is, but I'm really not ready to explain pimpin'.

Wyatt: "See? Look! Snoop Dogg!"

Me: "Wyatt, that's SNOOPY. SNOOPY! Not Snoop Dogg."

Wyatt: "Oh. What's the difference?"

Me: "Well... I don't even know where to begin really. Just, it's Snoopy. Trust me."

How do you begin to explain the difference between "Murder Was The Case That They Gave Me" and "No Dogs Allowed"? I'm not sure. Crisis semi-averted... for now.

Happy Valentine's Day

My wonderful husband helped the boys make me Valentine's cards. Erich made sure to type EXACTLY what they wanted to tell me on Valentine's day. The messages inside are really priceless:

Levi's: Dear Mom, I love you for getting me that candy. And the next Valentine's make sure you get that candy again for me. Love, Levi

Wyatt's: Happy Valentine's day. I hope you have a fun day, and I love you. And roses are red, violets are blue, candy is sweet, and I love you. Period.

Yes, Wyatt insisted his dad spell out the word 'period'. Also, Levi's love is contingent on candy. I think I have a couple future greeting card writers on my hand. I don't think Hallmark could've done it better... Period.

Don't Tread on Wyatt... Or Anywhere Near Levi

When I go to the gym I leave the boys in the supervised kids area. In all honesty, sometimes that's the only thing that gets me to the gym: knowing that I'm going to have a kid-free hour, even if it involves sweat. While the boys give me grief every day at home, they usually (sometimes. maybe.) are good at the gym. I think they enjoy the mom-free hour as much as I enjoy the kid-free hour, actually. It's a win-win. Unless you're one of the teenagers that have to watch the kids. Then... well... sorry.

Every time I pick them up I always halfheartedly ask about their behavior. Usually I get a, "Oh, they were fine." Or sometimes even an, "Awesome!" Probably because they got my kids confused with other people's kids. But I take it, and leave quickly. Today? Not so much.

I knew something was off when I walked into the chaos they call the kids club and heard Wyatt yelling the word "government." I shouldn't have even asked; but I did...

Me: "So.... how were they?"

Poor teenage girl watching a jamillion kids: "Oh. Well, Wyatt has been yelling about how he hates the government."

Me: ::blank stare:: (Seriously? What do you say to that?)

Teenage girl: "And he's been lecturing people on taxes. Pretty much, like, the whole, like time. And then he spelled the word government."

Wyatt: "The government is studis! We should fire them."


Me: "Well. Um. Government is a spelling word this week. Also, his dad did taxes this week. You know how tax season goes..."

Wyatt: "Yeah, we have to give money to the government! We should move to Bikini Bottom. I like their government better."

Me: (giving Wyatt the be-quiet-or-suffer mom look) "Well, he doesn't even know what the government is. Or taxes. Sorry about his soap box moment. Alright guys, let's go."

Teenage girl: "Right. And Levi like found like something on the ground and ate it. We aren't sure what it was... but he seems to be okay."

Levi: "It was a tookie! A floor tookie! Delicious!"

Me: "Right, well don't worry. He does that all the time."

I grabbed the boys and rushed out of there, with Wyatt still grumbling about the government and Levi trying to explain all the various things he eats off of the ground on any given day.

Me: "Get in the car! What is wrong with you! Seriously, Wyatt? The government? Do you even know what the government is??"

Wyatt: "Well, maybe I don't.  But I do know that Levi is peeing on that bush behind you."

Some nights the kids are good, others they lecture people about taxes and pee in planters. I blame tax season. And also my mom, for giving them massive amounts of sugar. I really just hope that there are different girls working there Wednesday night... And until then, I think it is definitely wine o'clock tonight.

Just a Phase

Your kids often times do bad, odd, sometimes unbearable things. People try to make you feel better by using the phrase, "Don't worry. It's just a phase... it will pass." I've heard the 'phase phrase' no less than one billion times (probably). I'm sure I've even said it before (it sounds nicer than, "your kid is just awesomely bad"). But seriously? The cold hard truth is that even though it might be a phase, and maybe you kid will stop eating boogers someday (but maybe not), there's always another phase in the works.  Just when your kid stops sticking everything in his mouth he starts biting people. Biting eventually stops and then they move on to bigger and better 'phases' like hiding poop, refusing to use the toilet, refusing to bathe, back talking, smacking other children, grabbing his/her junk compulsively in public, etc. Just when you think you've conquered a phase, your kid comes home with a penchant for hiding granola bar trash in his underwear or singing Gwen Stefani songs loudly in the middle of class (apparently Wyatt is NOT a hollaback girl, in case you were wondering).

So my point here is the next time you see my kid randomly trying to pull down his pants in the middle of Costco don't try to console me by telling me your little Jason went through the pants-pulling-down-in-Costco phase and now he doesn't do that anymore and life is daisies and sunshine and snickers bars. Because really? Jason has moved on to wearing underwear over his clothing. And next I'm sure he'll be snorting glitter glue like it's going out of style. While it all might be a 'phase' I don't find any solace in the fact that it will someday end, because there will always be something else they do that I don't like. I do, however, find solace in bedtime. And wine.

The Wii Dick

Wyatt: "MOM! I need a dick NOW! Where's the dick? The Wii won't work without the dick! Hurry!"

Me (barely able to muster a response): "WHAT??!"

Wyatt: "The Wii screen is black! I'm reading it and it says we need the Toy Story dick! I need help!"

Me: "Wyatt, that says disc. DISC. DISC! You need the Toy Story DISC!"

Wyatt: "Oh... I know where that is. Thanks mom!"

Does he know where my xanax is? Because after my six year old ran around the house screaming the word dick I think I might need it. I'm happy he's learning to read; I think I'd be happier if he were better at it.

The Pedophile Song

I'm still working on finals, so though I have longer, funnier stories in the works (cough Dieffen-vacation cough) they have to wait until next week. But sometimes things happen that just deserve a blog post, even if it is a short one...

Last night we had to make a family Costco run, which is always an adventure with both kids. I usually end up being a stressed sample chauffeur and leave without my bulk laundry detergent and toilet paper. However, we were out of milk, so off to Costco we went. The boys weren't *too* terrible because we bribed them with pizza. However, at the check stand they were freaking out, screaming for pizza, and airing family dirty laundry (Levi: "My mom put a table on the sidewalk because she wants someone to steal it!"). I jokingly asked the checker if he wanted one of the kids for free, and he replied, "Sure!" So when we got home, I just had to talk about it...

Me (to Erich): "What young guy wants a kid? He didn't sound like he was kidding. All I kept thinking was that he was probably a pedophile."

Erich: "SERIOUSLY, Jen? *That's* what you were thinking?! I'm pretty sure that the Costco guy isn't a pedophile..."

Me: "You don't know that. I'm betting he's a pedophile... Everyone is a pedophile until proven otherwise."

Levi: "Haha! Pedophile! Pedophile!" (At this point I notice the kids are within earshot...)


Wyatt: "Ped-o-phile! Ped-o-phile!"

Erich: "Look! See what you did!"

Wyatt and Levi (singing): "Ped-o-phile, ped-o-phile, PED-O-PHILE...."

Erich: "The kids are singing a pedophile song. Great."

Me: "Well, awareness is a good thing, right?"

And the kids kept singing.... How was I supposed to know they'd pick *that* word to latch on to and sing?? Maybe we can add some words and market it as a stranger danger song...

Burgermeister Meisterburger

My family recently took a short vacation to Colorado to take the kids on the Polar Express. The events of this trip are most definitely a blog post, but it deserves more time than I can give it today. I need to make sure that my words can do justice to the hilarity that was our Durango vacation. They probably won't,  but I'm going to work on it anyways, include pictures, and it is coming soon. Stay tuned. (Part of me is waiting to see if anywhere in Durango publishes an article rejoicing that we did in fact leave Durango and that our Dieffen-reign of terror on the small town has ended, because that would be pretty sweet to include in the blog).

Until then, though, we're busy watching claymation Christmas movies over here, because what is Christmas without Heat Miser? The boys were having a conversation about "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and I really have to share.

Levi: "Wyatt, was it Burgermesiter's problem? Outlawing toys? That's seriously not cool."

Wyatt: "Well Levi, his name is Burgermeister Meisterburger. I mean, think about it."

Wyatt has a point.